10:51am

 

It's been a while since I've gone to Smith park to swing. I usually do that when I'm depressed. I am not on any medication anymore (only winter semester, I got off it in April )and I wake up happy every morning. I am hardcore exercising 2-3 days a week, and about every night Michael and I take a nice walk around the town. I am on a 1200 a day calorie diet. (Another bit of evidence that I am happy--I eat! Which sadly made me go from 135-145 in a few months.) I am taking a multivitamin to give me the energy I need. I am enjoying all of my classes, thoroughly. I am getting good grades. I am about to start a rock climbing class, which will be fun and it will keep me active. The music I'm listening to, makes me really happy (mostly Angels and Airwaves). I am getting enough sleep at night, and still enjoy a 1-2 hour nap around 2 or 3 every day. My New Testament class is incredible. It is taught by a man named Brother Wahlquist. I am learning so much about the life of my Savior. It is interesting to me, to note that the 4 gospels are incredibly condensed. Christ is literally on the go, all the time, and there are so many stories and parables and little gems of truth or doctrine that is in the NT. I love it so much. I've been focusing my life on the grace of Christ rather than the protestant work ethic, and I've found that my life has become significantly less stressful and anxious. I am able to relax a bit, because I know through the Atonement covers where I lack. And because of that, I have more motivation to do better.

I have been thinking about this protestant mind set I'm learning about in school. Our country is founded on it. (Only two catholic men were present at the Constitutional Convention. The rest were protestant.) Utah has it plastered all over their homes and billboards. The idea is that the harder we work, and the more righteous we are, the more blessed we will be (financially, spiritually, etc). That has problems because even when a person is doing the best they can, they will still have problems. So rather than hope, wait, and put ourselves through misery and hard work to know of our 'well deserved' eternal mansion is afterwards, I'd much rather enjoy life and be grateful for all I have now, because I certainly have enough AND more to have overwhelming gratitude. I choose to believe in the Saviors atonement. I need to live. I need to enjoy every breath. Every heart beat. Every butterfly or bird or tree that I walk past. I need to enjoy every beautiful smell that comes from the blossoms that spring invites. I need to cherish every genuine human interaction I encounter on a daily basis. Because, I am alive. I am a human being that is entitled to 'be happy and have joy therein.' And through this joy and peace I can find in my life, I will be able to share to those who need it. If I am not at peace with my life, all my human interaction would be like handing an empty glass to a person who is thirsty. I want to love life and be grateful for it. Through finding peace and gratitude of this beautiful world around me, I can then serve others the way God would have me do.

Barbie Boombox

 

Alright. I'm in a band. So, we took band photos last night. Here are a few of the photos. A bit vain, maybe.

Becoming a better person.

 

For some reason, the act of service has truly been in my mind lately. How can I become more charitable? How can I give, and not expect anything in return? As humans, we have such a carnal and selfish tendency to always seek that which benefits ourselves. But the Savior taught through word and example, to give. To serve. And he gave his life, no, he *sacrificed* his life, as the most ultimate example of pure love and charity. But we know, it's not easy. In fact, it is very contrary to our animalistic human nature to be charitable, if we resorted back to our 'survival of the fittest' tendencies. Someday I hope to be able to speak and act in charity, at all times. I hope to become the kind of person who puts others before myself, instinctively.

Yes!

Liz Gilbert: I'm sick of people telling me that I need a man.
Felipe: You don't need a man. You need a champion!

Alexander Pope, "Eloisa to Abelard"

How happy is the blameless vestal's lot!
The world forgetting, by the world forgot.
Eternal sunshine of the spotless mind!
Each pray'r accepted, and each wish resign'd;

"Every obstacle presents an opportunity to improve our condition."

 Tips on how to build a healthy love life with your partner.
By Hara Estroff Marano

Never go to sleep angry. Try a little tenderness.
Apologize, apologize, apologize. Anyone can make a mistake. Repair attempts are crucial—highly predictive of marital happiness. They can be clumsy or funny, even sarcastic—but willingness to make up after an argument is central to every happy marriage.
Research has shown that the more roles people fill, the more sources of self-esteem they have. Meaningful work—paid or volunteer—has long been one of the most important ways to exercise and fortify a sense of self.
Enrich your relationship by bringing into it new interests from outside the relationship.
Stay open to spontaneity.
Maintain your energy. Stay healthy.
Recognize that all relationships have their ups and downs and do not ride at a continuous high all the time. Working together through the hard times will make the relationship stronger.

--Make good sense of a bad relationship by examining it as a reflection of your beliefs about yourself. Don't just run away from a bad relationship; you'll only repeat it with the next partner. Use it as a mirror to look at yourself, to understand what in you is creating this relationship. Change yourself before you change your relationship.--

Understand that love is not an absolute, not a limited commodity that you're in of or out of. It's a feeling that ebbs and flows depending on how you treat each other. If you learn new ways to interact, the feelings can come flowing back, often stronger than before. 

 

a narrative for the english language.

Once upon a time in a whole nother country
their was alot of thirsty people walking in a dessert.
All of the sudden, one turned to his familial dissent and said,
"irregardless of my circumstances, I could care less."
the same exact time, he heard back "Thats rediculous! Your dumb and to much too handle."

meow.

Aaaahhhhh.....curiosity killed the grace.


I'm Free
(Written September 2010)


I take a step towards the sea
like the waves, I'm bold, I'm free!
no more tears and no more ache, 
yet, I feel divine heartbreak
To be here, I stand unsure
It seems to be my only cure
Acceptance, hope & faith in thee
I will cross this mighty sea

word associations.

let it all flow.
happy day. thoughts decay. world is gray. i think i'll stay.
free. to be me.
cold. as i'm told. i am not bold.
help, felt, time, kindness
love, hope, impatience, laughing
stop, dreadful cops. drops of liquid.
draining, slothful. unwinding.
scared. torn. divided. nervous.
heartbeat is steadysturdystreaming through me.

.

the thief and the healer/swing

thief and healer
(Written December 2010)


Who has disappeared? A thief, I think
A lapse in my memory, a missing link.
The last poisonous breath purged from my soul
No longer I feel someone else's control
Looking forward, never back
Brilliant colors engulfing the black
In fear I was blind, I look down to find
something so divine...his hand in mine!
He is my healer.
He is my friend.
He's the answer
on the other end.
Always listening, always there
Love eternal, heavenly care. 




Swing 
(Written for a BYU-I Poetry Contest in April 2009, won 2nd place)


a curse for this town escaped my tongue
it seems hardly worth my time
i push, i pull. i push, i pull.
Between these rusted chain links.
i've never worked so hard
to be reminded of my intertwined failures
my hands desperately clutch the rusted chains
dirt and gravel fill my shoes
With one arduous heave, the blue sky opens up
I reconsider where the heavens truly lie
is it unreachable, above me?
Or just one more push away?
i close my eyes to gather my spirits
and i outstretch my arm in the cool, crisp air
giving up--leaving my fate
in the wind, that gives me an extra boost
for the roles are opposite
for he that swings and he that pushes
and that same wind, i cannot see
assists me when i've done all i can

JG Wentworth - Its My Money & I Need It Now Commercial

Quotes

"When I get lonely these days, I think: So BE lonely. Learn your way around loneliness. Make a map of it. Sit with it, for once in your life. Welcome to the human experience. But never again use another person's body or emotions as a scratching post for your own unfulfilled yearnings."

"Where did you get the idea you aren't allowed to petition the universe with prayer? You are part of this universe, Liz. You're a constituent--you have every entitlement to participate in the actions of the universe, and to let your feelings be known. So put your opinion out there. Make your case. Believe me--it will at least be taken into consideration...

The health of the planet is affected by the health of every individual on it."

--Elizabeth Gilbert, Eat Pray Love

prayer

 Prayer is not just throwing a bunch of arbitrarily arranged words at God. First of all, no matter how beautifully arranged the words are, they'll still seem like crap to a perfect being. So that's not important. It's all about a sincere, faithful honest search and desire. If we believe he'll answer us, then we will recognize the answer when it comes.

-Thomas E. Hatton II

the universe

 What
is it about
the universe
about
us stretching out? We within our brains within it think
we must unspin the laws that spin it. We think
why because
we think
because.
Because
we think,
we think
the universe
is about
us.
-May Swenson

Moses

 The most valuable, most enduring lesson we can learn from Moses comes not from his successes but from his failures. It is not about standing up to rulers and demanding justice. It is not about being charitable to the poor or respecting our neighbor's property...

It is about facing our past with gratitude and our future with confidence, even as we carry with us the memories of dreams that never came true. There are other, more attainable dreams waiting for us. We must be willing to get rid of the life we planned, so as to have the life that is waiting for us.

--Harold S. Kushner

a rainy sunday

when you feel nothing inside
ask yourself, is it true?
because no one else knows but God himself,
the real, the only you.

so where do you go from here?
don't bother your neighbors, your friends
a parent or companion may have a small idea,
But, it is not they, that life depends.

No, no. Find the one who dwells within
Use the gift He has given you
to answer such painful questions
that seem so hard to outwardly pursue.

And you will find a feeling, so calm
though convinced, you may not be.
the worries of the world
seem to fade
and matter no more.

That this thorn in your flesh
will someday be set free.

by thomas hatton...

 Beauty can be found in all things.

a blade of grass...
a perfectly symmetrical spoon
the birth, life, and death of a civilization
the arrangement of piano keys
the model of an atom
a broken bottle on pavement
the picardy third resolving an otherwise sad piece of music

....the fragility of life