seed

I can't be
What I was told to breathe
I can't see
What shines inside of me
I can't believe
That my eyes deceive
And my heart beats 
Because of thee 
I can go
Act within a name bestowed
I can grow
Like a seed, far below
A sprout, a stem, a leaf for show
A blossom to be rained upon
To bask in sunlight
 And to show the world

free write

delicate appendages, somber eyes
a frame illuminated with an azure aura
trenches besiege the earth below our feet
take my hand, the sky expands
mother nature procured what we lost,
matter and energy are never depleted. never without.
those soft eyes, i've seen before
trying to restrain, withhold--hold back
the cracks dressing the cement wall.
tear it down. tears in the cement.
just to be within. safe, not sound.

epitome

you treat me like i'm perfect
flawless and divine
you worship the ground i walk on
but i just can't call you mine
you'd dig all the way to china
and back again to see
the queen invented in your mind
that surely isn't me
the hope and love thats in your eyes
each time you look my way
always tears my heart in half because
i'm just not going to stay.

words from nicholas.

An email I received on May 17th, 2012. This is very dear to me. He was a beautiful writer. I miss him terribly. 

• "everything you do is a good thing, grace. you are a good and beautiful person, full of light. if god exists, you make her weep.
  
  if i were your creator, i would be so proud. you don't need luck grace. just confidence. and i wish you the deepest levels of truth. it's already inside of you. i wish you yourself. your true self. unrestrained, uninhibited.
  
  
  i just want everyone to be free and happy. to be okay with being human. to not hate themselves for things that they have no control over. to accept the void, to stare into it, to become it, and to emerge something greater than they could have imagined possible.
  
  
• p.s. i remember people in high school being all "grace just says whatever she thinks. she's honest to a fault."
• and i always loved that so much about you. i always found myself in that part of you. our degree of honesty is not a fault, just an acquired taste.
• and those who have not acquired it are two-faced and repressed.
• you are a real person. from my perspective, this is the highest of compliments.
  
  
• stay real. stay truthful. in this deep ocean of grey, people like you and me are the only ones who ever see the surface, who ever feel the sun glisten upon our bodies. we will be judged, but such judgments do not matter. we have ourselves, truly, an understanding that most cannot comprehend. we are beautiful in ways that only the beached can appreciate. let us not bask in the light, but bring others to the surface. there is so much light and goodness in the world. we are prophets in the most honest sense of all."
  
  

Mary Elizabeth Frye

Do not stand at my grave and weep,

I am not there; I do not sleep.

I am a thousand winds that blow,

I am the diamond glints on snow,

I am the sun on ripened grain,

I am the gentle autumn rain.

When you awaken in the morning’s hush

I am the swift uplifting rush

Of quiet birds in circling flight.

I am the soft star-shine at night.

Do not stand at my grave and cry,

I am not there; I did not die.

midnight pass

I took a walk in the night-time
as the rain fell, I smiled to see
an appropriate name bestowed upon
this street I walked, called midnight pass

I crossed corners, construction
countless cubicles semi lit and empty
night draped its lonesome upon my body
but my whimsical spirit pressed on

to my dismay, stirring caused broken silence
glowing eyes, and a wiry black tail
this feline watched my every move
I paused, and knelt with invitation

non-chalant, a curled back it gave
as this creature's curiosity crept up to me
it shared affection but would not stay
and I watched it blend into the darkness

yet I saw another on this pass, so peculiar
the yin to the previous yang
it moved quickly with its countervailing white coat
carefully into the tall, dark grass

On my night-time walk on midnight pass.

tennessee williams

“Oh, you weak, beautiful people who give up with such grace. What you need is someone to take hold of you -- gently, with love, and hand your life back to you.”

incredible quotes

“The ancient prophets speak of ‘entering into God’s rest’; what does it mean? To my mind, it means entering into the knowledge and love of God, having faith in his purpose and in his plan, to such an extent that we know we are right, and that we are not hunting for something else, we are not disturbed by every wind of doctrine, or by the cunning and craftiness of men who lie in wait to deceive. We know of the doctrine that it is of God, and we do not ask any questions of anybody about it; they are welcome to their opinions, to their ideas and to their vagaries. The man who has reached that degree of faith in God that all doubt and fear have been cast from him, he has entered into ‘God’s rest.’ . . . rest from doubt, from fear, from apprehension of danger, rest from the religious turmoil of the world. . . .” (Smith, Gospel Doctrine, p. 58.)

Brigham Young once said...“The men and women, who desire to obtain seats in the celestial kingdom, will find that they must battle everyday.. of their lives”

Promise yourself to be so strong that nothing can disturb your peace of mind. To make friends, feel there is something inside of them. Look on the bright side of everything. To think the best, to forget the mistakes of the past, and to press onto other things. To give so much time to improving yourself that you don't have time to criticize others. To be too large for worries, too noble for fear, too strong for anger, too happy to permit the presence of trouble. To think well of yourself and to proclaim this force to the world. Not in loud voices, but in great works.
- James E. Talmage

"You seek a great fortune, you three who are now in chains. You will find a fortune, though it will not be the one you seek. But first... first you must travel a long and difficult road, a road fraught with peril. Mm-hmm. You shall see things, wonderful to tell. I cannot tell you how long this road shall be, but fear not the obstacles in your path, for fate has vouchsafed your reward. Though the road may wind, yea, your hearts grow weary, still shall ye follow them, even unto your salvation."

--Seer from O Brother, Where Art Thou

gratitude.

Sacrifice. You're not doing it right if it's easy. Even for the Savior, it was difficult and he still suffered.

I'm so happy to be in Lexington. I'm so happy to be close to my two siblings and their families. I adore Esther, Lais (and Allison, even though you're far away)! I'm already protective over my nephews, and I can't imagine what it'll be like having my own family someday. I have a good job and am very blessed financially. I live in a lovely home because of the kindness of a sweet woman. I am so happy to see and spend time with my old, dear friend Nick--along with many others. I know the roads better than any other city I've ever lived in. This is home.  This is where my heart is.

I don't want this to end. But it will. So I'm going to enjoy every second of my time here and thank God every day that I have it.

story of my life.

there is a light that never goes out

The following symptoms can indicate an airborne infectious disease transmitted uncontrollably from one individual to another.

• Sweaty palms
• Loss of appetite
• Heart palpitations
• Dizziness
• Upset or fluttery stomach, as if some sort of flying insect was inside
• Inability to speak in coherent sentences
• Irrational perception of the world around, actually making sense
• Clumsiness
• Frequent and spontaneous day dreams
• Smiling for no reason 
• Insomnia

Should you experience such symptoms, take an emergency vacation for 18 months to Bermuda and your symptoms should disappear. 

Seven Deadly Sins

You're confident and charming in the spotlight,
while you naturally preach in vain condescension 
you can ignore what comes out of His mouth,
yet you undoubtedly claim, "his blood hath been shed!"

A spiral downward, enticed by a filled porcelain plate
an undying urge to gorge in such cravings
what you lack within, you've justified
by loosening that belt, from your last few helpings.

is it so wrong to have instant satisfaction?
Is awaking your carnal instincts worth the chance?
If you've tested the waters and still ask the question,
The thought alone can shoo the purest countenance.

you curse what awakens your still, dark slumber
yet you thrive on that which shines so bright
This life of dull and depleted energy within 
Left you to become a drained and sluggish mass.

Is that a want, a need you keep to yourself?

Does the thought of gaining more, seduce you?

Or are you merely distracted by your destitute hands
clenched on a precious ring you stole?

Anger breeds anger, from one to another transferred

like a burst of lighting that becomes a forest fire

the fury you shed consumes the air surrounding
soon you'll find yourself helplessly alone.

You're a pail with a crack dressing your side

No matter how much you're filled, you drain out

Despite years of service and charity you provided

Your self worth is only found in coveting others. 

ay carumba

One word: muffintop.

the art of being alone.

As a young and fully developed thirteen year old, a young man asked me for my phone number. I had butterflies in my stomach. My brother Thomas called him Smeagol (the deranged and obsessive hobbit). He called my home. We talked about the weather. Music. Family. You know, the ever-essential discussions that engulfed the fragile minds of thirteen. I had someone to connect with, and we connected for hours and hours. We had "our song" (the pop-punk of The Starting Line). We had our romance. We had our first kiss in the sticky back seats of a movie theater while Cheaper by the Dozen played. That Steve Martin sure knew how to set the mood.
Then shortly a year after, during high school, there was another. He seemed so proud to put his arm around me.
He was so excited to call me his girl. We shared "our song", but this was a different song. And by song, I mean, him plunking around on a bass guitar recorded onto a cheap tape player. The deep and spurratic bass notes were entitled, "Grace." It was the most romantic thing a boy had ever done for me. 
Following him came a strand of lovers. Each gave me the same butterflies. The music. The poetry. The ammunition for my brothers to make fun of them. Different shapes and sizes. One after another, I imagined what life could be. I somehow managed to pretend I'd spend the rest of my life with each one. And each relationship ended when someone better came around.
Experienced and fulfilled in the long term, short term, and 'fling' departments, I broke many hearts...never feeling the pain I thoughtlessly inflicted.
I found myself as a 21 year old living in Greeley, Colorado. A town where a meat factory exists and every two days, the streets are filled with the thick stench of the slaughterhouse. The same month I moved in, I decide to be a vegetarian. And it was the first time in eight years that I realized I was alone. But I wasn't lonely.

Zombies!

"When has anybody ever said, 'woah! I had a normal dream last night!' ?"
--Arthur Hatton


I had a dream last night that my home was being attacked by zombies. I was setting up barricades around the driveway, when I realized inside my garage emerged a long, reddish haired woman--zombie, of course. I looked for the nearest baseball bat and swung to save my life. After experiencing such terror, she stopped...looked at me and said, "Wait, why are you trying to kill me?"


I responded with, "Because you're trying to eat my brains!" 


Her reply was, "Why do zombies have such a ridiculous stereotype? Look, I'm not trying to kill you, I'm not trying to eat your brains, and you can trust me." 


We sat and discussed this concept for quite some time. I reached out my hand to shake hers in faith, and she took mine firmly. And we went on with our lives.


The end.

December 23, 2010

I had a date. This is the third, "formal" date I've had in 5 months. So, the man is making me dinner--Taiwanese, to be exact.

I told him I would surprise him with an American dessert. I drove to Walmart to pick something up (SO classy). I got the ingredients I needed and went out to my car. It wouldn't start. There was no budge, no light, nothing. Come on, it had to stop working NOW?! So there I was, standing in the freezing parking lot of Walmart with a cute outfit and my hair all curled, trying to pathetically lift the hood to see if it's possibly just a bad battery connection...and I can't even get the hood up! I felt like an idiot. So I called my parents to come pick me up.

They drove me to my date's apartment. They waved goodbye, both looking out of the car window with a 'thumbs up' as my date opened his front door, and they drove off giggling. 


*Apparently in Taiwan, if you whistle inside, it is calling evil spirits into the house. I had a really good song stuck in my head and whistled up a storm. Whoops. Thankfully he had a sense of humor...

2011 Gratitude Alphabet!

 

Happy Thanksgiving!

A- Aramis. I'm thankful for the best dog who passed away this year.
B- Brothers. I have the best brothers any girl could ask for! They are funny, brilliant, and sincere.
C- Cell phone. If I didn't have mine, I wouldn't have GPS or instant communication with my loved ones.
D- Dad. Mine works the hardest, listens the best, and can always make me smile.
E- Endorphins. It's my own body's way of being happy!
F- Friends. I've made some new, and kept some old. Friends are the best!
G- God. I am/have nothing without my creator.
H-Harmonies. The kind in music, and in relationships.
I-Imagination. I inadvertently imagine inside igloos.
J-Jesus Christ. He is my Savior.
K-Knowledge. It's free, and it stays with me forever!
L-Love. It's also free! And should be cherished.
M-Mothers. My mother is the best. She is beautiful, funny, talented, and brilliant. I love showing her off.
N-Nintendo. Japanese translation is, "Leave luck to heaven." It has entertained me on many occasions.
O-Open doors. Because I have been blessed with many in my life.
P-Plants. My room is filled with more oxygen because of my beautiful plant collection.
Q-Q-Tips. They are essential.
R-Residence Inn, best job ever!!
S-Scriptures. I would be so lost without them.
T-Time. It heals everything.
U-Understanding. A meeting of the minds.
V-Variety. Of food, people, music, art, anything! It makes life interesting.
W-Windows. Some say the eyes are the window to the soul.
X-Xerox machines. I would have a hard time at work if I didn't have one of these.
Y-Yesterday. That means I've made it one more day.
Z-Zion. It will be home.

Pure in heart

 

Jacob 3:1-2

1 But behold, I, Jacob, would speak unto you that are pure in heart. Look unto God with firmness of mind, and pray unto him with exceeding faith, and he will console you in your afflictions, and he will plead your cause, and send down justice upon those who seek your destruction.
2 O all ye that are pure in heart, lift up your heads and receive the pleasing word of God, and feast upon his love; for ye may, if your minds are firm, forever

life is so good. everything comes back around.

 "Some cause happiness wherever they go; Others, whenever they go."

--Oscar Wilde

I didn't realize this until now. It's been two years since I married dick, over a year since we divorced. I hope he is doing well. I hope he has found that cop job he's always desired. I hope he's moving forward in life.

'Don't look back unless you plan on going that way."

Well

 There's a well
Far deep in the ground
In it, I fell
Into a slumber so sound

Beautiful and dark
The stones are chilled and cold
Untouchable and stark
With cracks of stories untold

Why can't I get out?
Ensnared in this hard wall
Hollow, empty shouts
How did I even fall?

Struggling to be free
Remaining futile and pained
Dreams of what life could be
Yet this facade leaves me drained

I can't stay here
Though I dream to find a way
Among feelings so unclear
Dwelling night and day

I need to break through
And see what brought me here
Are you honest and true?
Or simply a mirage, I fear

The sunshine peaks in
From the consuming endless black
I see a subtle grin
And then a turned back.

10:51am

 

It's been a while since I've gone to Smith park to swing. I usually do that when I'm depressed. I am not on any medication anymore (only winter semester, I got off it in April )and I wake up happy every morning. I am hardcore exercising 2-3 days a week, and about every night Michael and I take a nice walk around the town. I am on a 1200 a day calorie diet. (Another bit of evidence that I am happy--I eat! Which sadly made me go from 135-145 in a few months.) I am taking a multivitamin to give me the energy I need. I am enjoying all of my classes, thoroughly. I am getting good grades. I am about to start a rock climbing class, which will be fun and it will keep me active. The music I'm listening to, makes me really happy (mostly Angels and Airwaves). I am getting enough sleep at night, and still enjoy a 1-2 hour nap around 2 or 3 every day. My New Testament class is incredible. It is taught by a man named Brother Wahlquist. I am learning so much about the life of my Savior. It is interesting to me, to note that the 4 gospels are incredibly condensed. Christ is literally on the go, all the time, and there are so many stories and parables and little gems of truth or doctrine that is in the NT. I love it so much. I've been focusing my life on the grace of Christ rather than the protestant work ethic, and I've found that my life has become significantly less stressful and anxious. I am able to relax a bit, because I know through the Atonement covers where I lack. And because of that, I have more motivation to do better.

I have been thinking about this protestant mind set I'm learning about in school. Our country is founded on it. (Only two catholic men were present at the Constitutional Convention. The rest were protestant.) Utah has it plastered all over their homes and billboards. The idea is that the harder we work, and the more righteous we are, the more blessed we will be (financially, spiritually, etc). That has problems because even when a person is doing the best they can, they will still have problems. So rather than hope, wait, and put ourselves through misery and hard work to know of our 'well deserved' eternal mansion is afterwards, I'd much rather enjoy life and be grateful for all I have now, because I certainly have enough AND more to have overwhelming gratitude. I choose to believe in the Saviors atonement. I need to live. I need to enjoy every breath. Every heart beat. Every butterfly or bird or tree that I walk past. I need to enjoy every beautiful smell that comes from the blossoms that spring invites. I need to cherish every genuine human interaction I encounter on a daily basis. Because, I am alive. I am a human being that is entitled to 'be happy and have joy therein.' And through this joy and peace I can find in my life, I will be able to share to those who need it. If I am not at peace with my life, all my human interaction would be like handing an empty glass to a person who is thirsty. I want to love life and be grateful for it. Through finding peace and gratitude of this beautiful world around me, I can then serve others the way God would have me do.

Barbie Boombox

 

Alright. I'm in a band. So, we took band photos last night. Here are a few of the photos. A bit vain, maybe.

Becoming a better person.

 

For some reason, the act of service has truly been in my mind lately. How can I become more charitable? How can I give, and not expect anything in return? As humans, we have such a carnal and selfish tendency to always seek that which benefits ourselves. But the Savior taught through word and example, to give. To serve. And he gave his life, no, he *sacrificed* his life, as the most ultimate example of pure love and charity. But we know, it's not easy. In fact, it is very contrary to our animalistic human nature to be charitable, if we resorted back to our 'survival of the fittest' tendencies. Someday I hope to be able to speak and act in charity, at all times. I hope to become the kind of person who puts others before myself, instinctively.

Yes!

Liz Gilbert: I'm sick of people telling me that I need a man.
Felipe: You don't need a man. You need a champion!

Alexander Pope, "Eloisa to Abelard"

How happy is the blameless vestal's lot!
The world forgetting, by the world forgot.
Eternal sunshine of the spotless mind!
Each pray'r accepted, and each wish resign'd;

"Every obstacle presents an opportunity to improve our condition."

 Tips on how to build a healthy love life with your partner.
By Hara Estroff Marano

Never go to sleep angry. Try a little tenderness.
Apologize, apologize, apologize. Anyone can make a mistake. Repair attempts are crucial—highly predictive of marital happiness. They can be clumsy or funny, even sarcastic—but willingness to make up after an argument is central to every happy marriage.
Research has shown that the more roles people fill, the more sources of self-esteem they have. Meaningful work—paid or volunteer—has long been one of the most important ways to exercise and fortify a sense of self.
Enrich your relationship by bringing into it new interests from outside the relationship.
Stay open to spontaneity.
Maintain your energy. Stay healthy.
Recognize that all relationships have their ups and downs and do not ride at a continuous high all the time. Working together through the hard times will make the relationship stronger.

--Make good sense of a bad relationship by examining it as a reflection of your beliefs about yourself. Don't just run away from a bad relationship; you'll only repeat it with the next partner. Use it as a mirror to look at yourself, to understand what in you is creating this relationship. Change yourself before you change your relationship.--

Understand that love is not an absolute, not a limited commodity that you're in of or out of. It's a feeling that ebbs and flows depending on how you treat each other. If you learn new ways to interact, the feelings can come flowing back, often stronger than before. 

 

a narrative for the english language.

Once upon a time in a whole nother country
their was alot of thirsty people walking in a dessert.
All of the sudden, one turned to his familial dissent and said,
"irregardless of my circumstances, I could care less."
the same exact time, he heard back "Thats rediculous! Your dumb and to much too handle."

meow.

Aaaahhhhh.....curiosity killed the grace.


I'm Free
(Written September 2010)


I take a step towards the sea
like the waves, I'm bold, I'm free!
no more tears and no more ache, 
yet, I feel divine heartbreak
To be here, I stand unsure
It seems to be my only cure
Acceptance, hope & faith in thee
I will cross this mighty sea

word associations.

let it all flow.
happy day. thoughts decay. world is gray. i think i'll stay.
free. to be me.
cold. as i'm told. i am not bold.
help, felt, time, kindness
love, hope, impatience, laughing
stop, dreadful cops. drops of liquid.
draining, slothful. unwinding.
scared. torn. divided. nervous.
heartbeat is steadysturdystreaming through me.

.

the thief and the healer/swing

thief and healer
(Written December 2010)


Who has disappeared? A thief, I think
A lapse in my memory, a missing link.
The last poisonous breath purged from my soul
No longer I feel someone else's control
Looking forward, never back
Brilliant colors engulfing the black
In fear I was blind, I look down to find
something so divine...his hand in mine!
He is my healer.
He is my friend.
He's the answer
on the other end.
Always listening, always there
Love eternal, heavenly care. 




Swing 
(Written for a BYU-I Poetry Contest in April 2009, won 2nd place)


a curse for this town escaped my tongue
it seems hardly worth my time
i push, i pull. i push, i pull.
Between these rusted chain links.
i've never worked so hard
to be reminded of my intertwined failures
my hands desperately clutch the rusted chains
dirt and gravel fill my shoes
With one arduous heave, the blue sky opens up
I reconsider where the heavens truly lie
is it unreachable, above me?
Or just one more push away?
i close my eyes to gather my spirits
and i outstretch my arm in the cool, crisp air
giving up--leaving my fate
in the wind, that gives me an extra boost
for the roles are opposite
for he that swings and he that pushes
and that same wind, i cannot see
assists me when i've done all i can

JG Wentworth - Its My Money & I Need It Now Commercial

Quotes

"When I get lonely these days, I think: So BE lonely. Learn your way around loneliness. Make a map of it. Sit with it, for once in your life. Welcome to the human experience. But never again use another person's body or emotions as a scratching post for your own unfulfilled yearnings."

"Where did you get the idea you aren't allowed to petition the universe with prayer? You are part of this universe, Liz. You're a constituent--you have every entitlement to participate in the actions of the universe, and to let your feelings be known. So put your opinion out there. Make your case. Believe me--it will at least be taken into consideration...

The health of the planet is affected by the health of every individual on it."

--Elizabeth Gilbert, Eat Pray Love

prayer

 Prayer is not just throwing a bunch of arbitrarily arranged words at God. First of all, no matter how beautifully arranged the words are, they'll still seem like crap to a perfect being. So that's not important. It's all about a sincere, faithful honest search and desire. If we believe he'll answer us, then we will recognize the answer when it comes.

-Thomas E. Hatton II

the universe

 What
is it about
the universe
about
us stretching out? We within our brains within it think
we must unspin the laws that spin it. We think
why because
we think
because.
Because
we think,
we think
the universe
is about
us.
-May Swenson

Moses

 The most valuable, most enduring lesson we can learn from Moses comes not from his successes but from his failures. It is not about standing up to rulers and demanding justice. It is not about being charitable to the poor or respecting our neighbor's property...

It is about facing our past with gratitude and our future with confidence, even as we carry with us the memories of dreams that never came true. There are other, more attainable dreams waiting for us. We must be willing to get rid of the life we planned, so as to have the life that is waiting for us.

--Harold S. Kushner

a rainy sunday

when you feel nothing inside
ask yourself, is it true?
because no one else knows but God himself,
the real, the only you.

so where do you go from here?
don't bother your neighbors, your friends
a parent or companion may have a small idea,
But, it is not they, that life depends.

No, no. Find the one who dwells within
Use the gift He has given you
to answer such painful questions
that seem so hard to outwardly pursue.

And you will find a feeling, so calm
though convinced, you may not be.
the worries of the world
seem to fade
and matter no more.

That this thorn in your flesh
will someday be set free.

by thomas hatton...

 Beauty can be found in all things.

a blade of grass...
a perfectly symmetrical spoon
the birth, life, and death of a civilization
the arrangement of piano keys
the model of an atom
a broken bottle on pavement
the picardy third resolving an otherwise sad piece of music

....the fragility of life